The Madonna-Whore Complex

For a lot of women, exploring their sexual self can be difficult, especially if their formative years were spent in a conservative or religious environment. Even as a person grows into adulthood and possibly leaves their devout practices behind, their visceral thoughts and reactions regarding sex will undoubtedly remain affected by their background and upbringing.

And this isn't an issue exclusive to women – how men view their partners can also affect how they think and consequently perform in the bedroom.

The Madonna and The Whore

The Madonna-Whore complex is the idea that women exist only in the realm of a dichotomy—the good girl and the bad girl. There are no in-betweens or spaces for complexities. It dictates that to be good or worthy, a woman must conform to society’s standard of being chaste and modest, especially when they become wives and mothers. They must fulfill this criteria, otherwise, they are inadequate spouses and incapable parents. 

The Santa Maria Clara

From a young age, women are conditioned to believe in and uphold a specific ideal of what a proper lady should look like. It was their duty to live up to that standard, and any deviation from that blueprint was met with disappointment and disdain.

Dalagang Pilipina. Does that term strike a chord? A woman’s virtue and value are placed on her chastity, her premature fidelity which guarantees her purity to her eventual husband. Every aspect of her being is scrutinized, from the way she speaks to the way she dresses. She must be a certain way, behave a certain way—sit, stand, and speak like a good girl. 

When women stray from that prescribed ideal, they are reprimanded by those who care about them; it is their way of trying to look out for the woman’s well-being in this specific culture and society. And though it comes from a place of protection, this type of behavior ingrains shame and warns against a cautionary tale at the expense of women who do not conform, the opposite—the Whore, who is sinful, shameful, and worth less than the ideal Madonna. 

Sex, Marriage, and the Pedestal

Women grow up seeing sex as a negative thing. 

Sex is bad; it’s a sin.

There’s a risk of pregnancy.

Sex hurts!

So, they try their best to meet expectations and, in turn, become averse to the idea of sex. The caveat is that these views on sex don’t conveniently go away the moment they get married.

Their whole lives, women are taught that sex is a bad thing, but when they marry they are suddenly expected to somehow be good at sex for their husbands. They ought to be capable of pleasing and pleasuring them, and if they fail to live up to standard, they’ll be left behind for someone else.

There is a tremendous amount of pressure to perform well. But how can women perform well without any sexual knowledge or experience?

Some women develop issues like vaginal dryness, vaginismus, and pain during intercourse, among other things, because they have been ill-equipped to handle having sex. There are also women who don’t even necessarily feel guilt or shame, but they do feel anxiety, and a handful experience panic attacks before sex.

Men face their own challenges when it comes to dealing with the Madonna-Whore Complex. A number of newly married husbands find themselves losing feelings of sexual attraction towards their wives after getting married, while new fathers may find it difficult to engage their wives sexually knowing they’ve become mothers.

Sometimes, husbands experience performance anxiety, premature ejaculation, and erectile dysfunction. These can be physiological manifestations of their struggle to see their wives or partners as someone who can be both lovers and wives/mothers to their children.

Society has conditioned people to think that women are just one thing or the other—a prude or a slut. The Madonna or the Whore. There are women who have a hard time seeing themselves as being ‘sexy’ once they become mothers. There are men who say that once their wives get pregnant or give birth, it’s hard for them to see their wives as sexual beings. They put their wives on a pedestal, treating them as this Madonna that shouldn’t be touched in order to keep their purity intact.

How could a decent man expect a blowjob from his wife if that’s the same mouth that kisses their children? Isn’t it weird to think of breasts as sexual once a woman starts breastfeeding? These thoughts are fueled by the idea that a woman’s body becomes a utility within the context of marriage, that she is a sort of entity meant to accomplish her tasks as a wife and a mother without recognizing her own individuality and sexual identity as a human being.

Keeping an Open Mind

This type of disconnection couples experience could lead to sexual frustration in one or both parties; it is possible for them not to have sex for a long time. Yet, it’s not necessarily a lack of desire for sex that impedes the sex itself – it’s just a lack of desire for their partner. This doesn’t mean that it is time for these two people to throw in the proverbial towel on their relationship, rather it is an opportunity to see things from a new perspective. 

We may not be able to completely unlearn things, but we have the ability to push ourselves to grow out of outdated beliefs or ways of thinking that are harmful to our relationships.

Seeing yourself or your partner a whole person rather than a vessel or archetype can alleviate the dissonance between sexual and familial identities. A woman can be a wife and a sexy lover at the same time. She can be a mother and still have sexual needs and want to be intimate with her husband. Sometimes, all you need to do is communicate and make the effort to have the same sexy fun you used to share together.