Hard work is often celebrated; but when it comes to sex, we wouldn’t say “work” is the first thing we want our intimate moments to feel. The unfortunate reality is that for a lot of women, oftentimes, sex feels more like a chore than an experience to nourish their relationships.
Let’s take a look at these quotes from Dr. Rica Cruz’s study on sexual pleasure to see how this truly feels for real people in real situations.
“May times talaga…kapag kailangan mo mag give in kasi gusto niya, kahit I’m not in the mood, feeling ko nagamit ako…pero kailangan mo pa rin mag give-in. So hindi siya masaya.”
[There are really times when I have to give in to what he wants, even though I’m not in the mood. In the end, I feel used. But I still have to give in to him. Sex wasn’t enjoyable anymore.]
“And inisip ko, I’ll do it for him, but it wasn’t necessarily pleasurable for me…Minsan iniisip ko na, ‘Tama ba ‘to na ayoko siya pero gagawin ko siya?’ Jinujustify ko siya in my head.”
[I tell myself , I’ll do it for him, even if it isn’t necessarily pleasurable for me. But I also ask myself, ‘Is this okay?’ I don’t like to have sex but I’m still doing it. I keep weighing things in my head.]
“There were times when I need to force myself to do it. Kasi feeling ko if I don’t he will take it against me? Kapag ganun, walang pleasure dun talaga. Parang kailangan ko pa mag-fake para lang matapos na.”
[There were times when I needed to force myself to have sex. I felt that if I don’t have sex with him, he would take it against me. And when it’s like that, it’s not pleasurable at all. I felt like I needed to fake an orgasm just for the sex to end.]
“Argh, he doesn’t help me I’m so tired. Ang hirap! And that would go against me wanting to have sex with him… Yeah, so at one point he was already begging me. Hindi siya masaya.”
[At that point, he was asking me to just help him. But in my mind, I keep thinking, ‘he’s not helping me, I’m so tired, this is so hard.’ The thought of this happening would go against me wanting to have sex with him. But at one point he was already begging me. That was not a good time.]
“There was a time that he was extra frisky and inask niya ako to do things for him, na kahit I wasn’t in the mood, go lang…After that, he always wanted to do that like probably cum on someone’s face and during sex…”
[There was a time when he was extra frisky and he asked me to do things for him. Even if I wasn’t in the mood, I went along with it. After that happened, he always wanted to do naughty things– like cum on my face.]
“I think my process was gradual, and came out of pity. Naaawa na ako sa kanya kasi he was begging, begging talaga. So we would have casual sex once a week…
[I think my process was gradual, and came out of pity. I felt bad for him because he was begging, really begging, for us to have sex. So we would have casual sex once a week.]
In a heterosexual context, these beliefs stem from our cultural ideals of being a “good wife” — someone who is submissive to her husband’s sexual desires, in fear that if they are not, it justifies their husbands seeking satisfaction elsewhere.
This creates a sense of obligation to give in, regardless of what we want in the moment.
It might be something we want to fix in our relationships, and it might feel like quite the road ahead to get there.
But for now, here’s to those who simply try their best in the moment. We see you, and we understand.
