Have you ever felt guilty after sex? Or felt guilty for feeling unsatisfied by your long-term partner? You are not alone in this feeling. In fact, maybe your partner is feeling this too.
Feeling sexual guilt or dissatisfaction in your relationship doesn’t mean you’re incompatible or that you’re falling out of love for each other. Often, the reason for these feelings can be found in unmet expectations of each other, in certain religious beliefs you grew up around, and possibly a loss of emotional intimacy.
The expectations we bring into a relationship are shaped by a society that pressures us into behaving in certain ways when it comes to romance and sex. Men are expected to initiate dates and in the bedroom, while women are expected to be pursued—not pursue—and to hide their sexual desires to maintain an image of purity.
If you grew up in a Catholic or Christian family and school, you were probably told that premarital sex is a sin. And because sex is only meant for procreation, it is also supposedly a sin to feel pleasure during sex. This adds another layer of guilt, prompted by how good you feel during sex.
When we internalize all this, guilt and dissatisfaction can bubble up to the surface because our expectations aren’t met by the reality of how we express ourselves romantically and sexually.
Take a step back and ask yourself:
- What exactly was I taught to believe about sex, intimacy, and my body?
- What is this guilt that I’m feeling trying to tell me?
- Is it really about sex or is my body trying to tell me something about my relationship?
The truth is that sexuality has to do with more than just the act of sex. Sexual satisfaction is deeply tied to how emotionally connected you feel to your partner and to how much space there is in your relationship to be yourself.
Many long-term relationships struggle with emotional intimacy over time. In the beginning of a relationship, it feels natural and exciting to find emotional connection and closeness with your partner because you are just getting to know each other. But as months and years go by, that excitement dies down as the practicalities of living together, marriage, and/or kids take over.
The good news is that we can bring back that excitement and even deepen our pleasure through practicing emotional intimacy.
Here are 3 ways to be more emotionally intimate with your partner:
- Talk openly about what you like and don’t like in bed. Feedback can be sexy and exciting.
- Share what makes you feel loved, sexy, and emotionally close with each other.
- When sexual guilt feels overwhelming, focus on non-sexual touch like cuddling, hand-holding, or massages to feel connected and safe. Foreplay and aftercare matter too; they’re meaningful and pleasurable parts of intimacy.
It will take time, effort, and a lot of vulnerability to overcome the guilt we feel. But remember that you aren’t doing this alone. You and your partner are in this together—and what’s more intimate than that?
