Sex is an important component in relationships for most people, yet the idea of bettering sex by way of talking about it to our partners is somehow foreign or uncomfortable to some of us. We are never really taught how to have these types of conversations, so we might never bring it up with our partners, or if we do, the discussion can become awkward or possibly escalate into an argument, which is the exact opposite of what we want.
But that doesn’t mean it’s not worth working on. Checking in on each other after sex is a great way to improve your sex life and build more closeness and intimacy with your partner.
Have Fun With It
Sex is supposed to be fun, and so should these types of conversations be. Of course, stating your preferences and what you desire in sex is a significant matter to discuss, but it doesn’t have too feel too serious or heavy. Check-ins are a great way for you and your partner to be playful, to let each other know what each of you can do to elevate your sex lives and your relationship. Take this as an opportunity to have a fun yet meaningful conversation about exploring and connecting.
Talk About What You Like
Even if we trust our partners and have been physically and emotionally intimate with them, it can be a bit challenging to talk about what we liked or didn’t like during sex.
A great way to start the conversation is to compliment them for the things they did that you enjoyed. Begin by telling them what you liked; this makes sure you get off on the right foot. Naturally, the next step is to ask them what felt good for them, or asking if they liked what you did, especially if you just tried out something new.
At first, it can be a little bit embarrassing to get into the nitty-gritty of this conversation, but it would benefit your sex life greatly if you can get specific and detailed about what makes you feel good and what you desire from sex. Think of it like a puzzle—the more pieces you recognize, the better you can complete the bigger picture. In other words, take the hint. It’ll help you out!
Opening up about what you each liked will encourage you both to repeat all that good stuff the next time you have sex. Knowing what works will make you all the more excited to do it again, because you’ll have a better idea of how to satisfy your partner.
Examples of things you might say or ask:
- "I thought it was so hot when you held me down by my wrists. We should do that again next time, and you can be rougher, too."
- "I loved it when you whispered things into my ear. It really turned me on. You can do it more."
- "Did you like it when I said 'I want you to cum for me'?"
If there are things that you would like to try out, bring them up with your partner. It can be as simple as asking or letting them know that there is something you want to do. It goes without saying that the best approach is to go at it with respect and affection; never demand or coerce your partner.
Examples of things you might say:
- "I fantasize about you blindfolding me. Can we try that some time?"
- "What do you think about role play? I’m really curious about it and would like to try it out."
- "How do you feel about using a vibrator with me? I really want to try it together."
Set Your Boundaries
Sex is fun, and of course we want to always be trying new things and exploring, but it is important to prioritize your comfort as well. We shouldn’t have to do things we don’t want to do. After all, you should be enjoying your sexual experience all throughout and feel safe at all times.
Establishing and respecting each other’s boundaries are essential topics during these after-sex conversations. We shouldn’t be afraid to draw the line. A good partner does not seek to hurt the one they are with, but even then there are times we may need to communicate clearly and verbally that we are not comfortable doing certain things.
Tell each other what things are and aren’t okay, and suggest or compromise with an alternative that works for both of you.
Examples of things you might say:
- "I’m not comfortable being touched on that part of my body, you can touch me here instead. That would turn me on."
- "Spanking isn’t really my thing, but I do think squeezing would be hot."
- "I like the rough sex we have, but I’m not really a big fan of dirty talk, so maybe we could try sweet talking instead."
Sex is an activity that requires patience, consideration, and empathy, so keep that in mind during post-sex check-ins, too. These conversations are not meant to be soulless critiques of your partner’s sexual performance, rather it is an opportunity to have fun and level up your sexual experiences.
It’s a team game, after all, not one versus the other.