Growing up in a Catholic family, I couldn’t understand why there were things that I wasn’t allowed to do because I was a girl. Why couldn’t I stay at school late when I was just hanging out with my friends and it was a short walk away from home anyway? Especially since my brother, who was part of the basketball varsity team, could come home late and not get the same scolding I did?
I wasn’t given any explanations and I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong, so I just kept coming home late. I had a mind of my own and was hard-headed when I was made to toe the gender line.
I got into a lot of trouble for that, unlike my older sister, who was obedient and followed the rules. I followed the rules too, but only when they were reasonable ones. When it came to how I lived my life, I abided by my conscience.
My education also shaped me. Here, I learned that in the course of history, institutions such as the Church had oppressed women like me. Sex was also used to subjugate women, stripping them of power and forcing them to live according to the rules set by men.
I also learned about sex through movies, TV shows, and reading materials. I had to, because my parents were silent on the matter. It simply wasn’t talked about at home. But I also understand that it was probably because my grandparents hadn’t equipped them to be able to talk about it in the first place. I didn’t want to bring up the topic with them because I wasn’t used to doing so, either.
So as a young lady discovering my sexual self, there were times when I felt like I ended up in situations that I hadn’t given much thought to. It’s a good thing that I’m the type of person who can cope with whatever happens, gaining lessons from them as I move forward.
I had to come up with my own rules. These stemmed from my experiences, the media I consumed, as well as the conversations I had with my diverse set of friends who were of different ages.
And one such rule was to talk about sex. When I was still young and figuring things out, sex was something that just happened. You tried to sense what the other person wanted and how he felt. But I realized that it’s okay to talk about our needs to each other and to coach each other about what we like.
When I became a teacher I would often tell my students who were wondering if they were ready to have sex for the first time: if you’re not able to talk about it, maybe you’re not ready.
In our culture, women are taught to follow the man’s lead. So there are things that we might be uncomfortable doing but aren’t able to protest against. We might not be enjoying what’s happening but aren’t able to speak up. So I forced myself to talk not just about sex, but about emotions, as well. To the credit of the men I’ve dated, they try to talk about it too, or at least know how to listen.
In the Photo: Dr. Kay Bunagan
Years later, I would learn about sex from my parents, but indirectly. I remember the summers when we would hang out in their room because it had air conditioning and the big TV was there. But in the afternoon, my father would shoo us out and they’d lock the door. No matter how much we would knock, they wouldn’t let us in.
They were indulging in afternoon delight! Now that I’m a couples and family therapist, I know that that’s actually a good thing to have in a marriage.
Another thing I learned from an awkward conversation with my mother was how important it is to set boundaries and be able to look out for yourself. If at any point you’re uncomfortable, you have to set the boundary. It’s something that’s important to teach women and girls about. Girls and women should also have the script to say “no” or “maybe not now”. The same script that goes against the obedience gene that we seem to be nurturing in our kids—and that I fought so hard against. Because if we’re in a situation where we feel uncomfortable, our first reaction may be shock or surprise. Because we don’t know what to say, we can end up just going along with it. With a script ready, it’s easier to push back.
I also learned active decision-making. This means whatever the situation you end up in, it’s something you chose to be in. You weren’t just caught up in another person’s pull. This is why it makes me sad to see how we’re raising young men: that it’s okay for them to coerce the young women they’re pursuing because women are conservative anyway and need to be compelled into being with them. Persistence and consistency are different from forcefulness and harassment.
Now that I’m in my forties, I’ve been dealing with stage two breast cancer. While it’s only in one breast, I’ve decided to take both of them out because if I want to have kids at a certain point, it would have to be through in vitro fertilization or IVF. My body would be pumped with hormones during the procedure, and the cancer I have is responsive to those, putting me at risk of the cancer recurring in my other breast.
One day I’ll have reconstruction and I’ll have nice-looking breasts, albeit ornamental ones. They won’t actually have sensation. And one of the things I’m wondering today is, how will this affect me as a sexual being?
I talked to my therapist about it and think that maybe it's good that it happened at this time. Now that I’m older, I feel centered and more confident as a woman. As I face these trials, I’ll take it one day at a time. They’re just one of the challenges I have to face. A part of sharpening my sense of self and my mission in this world.
Editor’s note: This story is from an interview by Dr. Rica Cruz with psychologist and couples therapist Dr. Kay Bunagan.
